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Post by Lydia on Jul 17, 2011 10:05:45 GMT -5
I lost every friend I made until late in college. They saw me as a liar, manipulative, immature, the r-word... they would act like they liked me then suddenly freak out and say they hated me. It was so confusing. Is this familiar to anyone?
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Post by littlelily613 on Jul 17, 2011 10:33:14 GMT -5
I don't know what the r-word is. But yes, this happens to me a lot. It still does. I have had a new friend at least once a year, but sometimes every couple of months. They don't usually tell me why they don't want to be my friend, they just stop without saying anything. But it was usually a sudden thing, and they could go from really liking me to really hating me (that is something they would say). I can only assume it is because I am rigid, don't play as other children do, do not communicate properly, and am dependent on my friends sometimes to do the communicating for me. I really do not know.
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Post by Lydia on Jul 17, 2011 11:44:48 GMT -5
Right now, my three best friends are:
A friend from college who wants to be an autism therapist and LOVES autism A friend who has a child with many traits of AS A girl with ASD
Of my other friends, one has a son with ASD, one a brother, and one has ASD herself.
I've found, Lily, that this might be the trick! People who get it!
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Post by verdandi on Jul 17, 2011 18:02:41 GMT -5
Yes, this has happened to me in the past - and even in the not so distant past. I'd make friends, and then I apparently did or said something that ultimately became unforgivable because even though I had no idea I had done this, they nursed a grudge until there was nothing to do but cut ties.
I also have difficulties holding on to friends, in that I forget to keep in touch. I used to completely blame myself for this until I realized that at the same time, they were also not keeping in touch with me.
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Post by littlelily613 on Jul 17, 2011 18:10:25 GMT -5
My only friend right now is much older than me (by 30-some years). I don't think she really understands my autism (especially since I wasn't diagnosed with it when she met me), but she still accepts me for who I am even if she doesn't get that. I do have another friend who lives on the other side of the country who I was best friends with in grade 2, 3, and 7, and then she moved. We still keep in touch through facebook, and we always see each other once or twice on the rare occasions she makes her way back here. Other than that though, I don't have any friends.
One acquaintance at school--I really like him a lot. He is only 21 or so, so quite a bit younger than me, and he is not on the spectrum. He is just so nice and understanding though that even when I become non-communicative when I get "stuck", I never feel overly weird with him because he is just so non-judgemental. Unless he has figured it out from facebook, he still does not know I am autistic though. We rarely see each other outside of a casual passing though.
For about a year and a half, I had a really good friend at school. She is neurotypical, and was actually likely one of the popular girls when she was in high school. Still, we seemed to hit it off, and spent so much time together. She was one of the very few people I could talk to on this planet, despite the fact that she is very neurotypical. Then all of a sudden, about 7 months ago, I realized I was the one initiating all of the conversations (ironic...)--well, not conversations, but texts. We both used to text each other to meet up somewhere in between classes, but then it was just me texting her, and her responding. It took me awhile to figure it out, but when I did, I started noticing that the only times we met up then were when I asked if she wanted to (she used to ask me all the time). As an experiment, I stopped texting her (as it was her "turn") to see how long it would take for her to contact me on her own. I never heard from her again. And I thought we were very close. It was hard for me because I connect to so few people. Even some people I connect with, I still cannot communicate with. I could talk to her fairly easily most of the time though even if my speech is atypical, and never felt as though she was judging my oddities. I think when we were in public, though, my autistic qualities shone through quite dramatically, and I depended on her greatly to communicate for me. (She did not know I was autistic either because I did not have a professional diagnosis at the time). Anyway, maybe that is one reason she obviously does not want to be friends anymore. Maybe because she started partying and I do not or maybe because she started caring more about how cool her friends are. I really don't know. I am oblivious to any other reasons because we never had an argument or anything.
Anyway, I know this is long now, but.....
Yeah, I do agree that it is probably the people who understand autism or who have it who will be the better friends. Unfortunately I do not know many people on the spectrum, and I know fewer who are connected to the spectrum some other way. I think the people I will likely connect the most with will be Auties or Aspies who can understand me and who I can feel completely comfortable with. There is a social group through our local autism centre, but it is mostly older people in it or so. I would love to meet someone at my functioning level or slightly higher functioning who is around my age near here. It just seems impossible though.
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Post by Lydia on Jul 17, 2011 18:41:27 GMT -5
Agreed about the impossible to find someone like me nearby.
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Post by pensieve on Jul 17, 2011 19:51:05 GMT -5
In my early 20's I tried to make friends and I made friends with a few groups but never felt a part of them. It was exhausting just trying to keep up with their busy social lives and it made me envy them.
I've got one good friend with Bipolar and ADHD who despite speaking her mind which is often abusive to people well within earshot, I get along with her quite well. She is over ten years older than me and though acts like a 16 year old and even though she uses phrases many young people use that I hate I still think she is a good person. I met her after I was diagnosed and at first struggled until she read my blogs and then tried to make things better for me. She's not over empathic but does show she cares and understands my problems. I've got other friends too I rarely see, some who understand me and others that I consider the relationship is nothing more than a 'drinking buddy' status.
Before I had any friends I would make friends with the bands I saw live. Usually the local ones but I got close to one singer from a Welsh band that I'm still in contact with. I give him his space because when I first met him I was a bit star struck and annoying. These days I don't tend to befriend many bands anymore. I only care about three people from bands that I want to see again.
I'm content with my one friend. She does ask me to go out a lot but I think she understands why I don't want to. I still feel sorry that I can't because I can see she feels lonely.
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Post by Lydia on Jul 18, 2011 8:57:58 GMT -5
How many "real-life" friends do you feel the need to have?
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Post by pensieve on Jul 18, 2011 19:35:54 GMT -5
Just one. I've always just had one good friend who I wasn't exactly close to. By that I mean not close personally, but I felt that they were my best friend. I appreciate all the friends I've had because they have helped me understand NT's better and taught me some life experiences along the way.
My first friend I've known since birth. Literally. Our mothers were in the same delivery room. He was only a few days older than me. I knew him until I was 9.
Then when I was ten I had another friend, a girl this time. I was home schooled next so I didn't make many friends. There was one girl that would come around. Our mum's knew each other and we went to the same church. She was bossy though.
I think around that time I would just wander around and people would talk to me. Throughout my teens there was a few more friends I'd make, one standing out the most for me.
When I was 18 I struggled to make my own friends which is when I made friends with bands in other states and countries instead.
I would just rather have one friend I can have a good time with, practice my social skills on and have there to support me when I become stress or overloaded. I wouldn't always want to go out. It was like when my friend and I went to see a band play and my older friends were there - many of them. And I just couldn't keep up with them. Eventually I went back to my current friend once I realised I had left her alone. I just don't think I could keep a balance between 3-5 friends. It's better to have one true real friend than a group of them. You can't show them the same amount of commitment.
I really love my friend and she's sort of helping me grow. We're going to stay in a hotel next time we go out. I'm nervous, though I've been in one with a friend before my regression, but it's just something different.
Actually, I'm struggling to make friends with my friend's friends. For the first time I feel like I'm trying too hard to fit in. I really shouldn't care but I just want to fit in with this group of people.
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Post by Lydia on Jul 19, 2011 8:18:32 GMT -5
I also have one real life friend, and that's enough for me!
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Post by bubbles on Jul 24, 2011 15:26:20 GMT -5
I am lucky I guess. I have a few real-life friends. Some are mediated by my fiancee, who is really REALLY social. I also met some people through an asd friendship group. Does anyone have access to them where they live?
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Post by Lydia on Jul 28, 2011 13:42:34 GMT -5
Well, I might get myself whacked for saying this, but I don't tend to get a long with people with ASD in real life, actually. Or I should say, men with ASD. I get along fine with the girls, but they're so rare. But I also prefer to meet all kinds of people, so I like to go to groups for people with all disabilities... more girls, and all sorts of people.
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Post by pensieve on Jul 28, 2011 19:58:25 GMT -5
I don't know anyone with an ASD. Call me stereotypical but I think men would be harder to get along with, to even get a word out of. My mum was dating a guy that seemed like he had AS and I tried to talk to him once I got used to him but couldn't. Her new boyfriend I'm now used to and can talk to.
I think it would be hard to initiate a conversation and find a common interest with someone else with an ASD. Sometimes I don't show that much interest in people and only talk about my interests passionately.
I actually met the singer of The Vines who has AS and I said more than he did. I actually liked meeting the guitarist/bassist because he had this friendly glow about him.
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Post by verdandi on Jul 28, 2011 20:27:57 GMT -5
I've only known a few autistic people. I got along with some of them, although some can be intensely overloading (monologues about their interests that do not interest me, for example. Oh, the irony). I tend to tolerate special interest monologues because I know I inflict enough of them, but often it can push my ability to tolerate input.
I've only known one female Aspie that I know of, and she was about 8 years old and loved Gundam Wing. I got along pretty well with her and her brother, who was about 4-5 and nonverbal.
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Post by Lydia on Jul 29, 2011 10:47:31 GMT -5
Pensieve, you got it about the guys, except sometimes they NEVER STOP TALKING, too. I know a few who it seems that everything is their special interest! Ugh.
Yeah, I don't handle special interest monologues too well, as I have no attention span. But really, I don't inflict them, either. You're lucky if you get eight or ten words together out of me. It's more special interest scripts, with me.
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