Post by verdandi on Jul 11, 2011 22:11:19 GMT -5
I first realized I was autistic when I was reading Amanda Baggs' blog (ballastexistenz) from beginning to end and encountered in posts and comments many many all-too-familiar experiences being described as autistic experiences. I had a bit of a meltdown trying to cope with and understand this realization and ended up not really thinking about it until a year ago. At that point I came across a few blog posts that described ADHD, which fit me all too closely, and reminded me of my past experience thinking I had Asperger's Syndrome.
I thought ADHD explained everything, but it became increasingly obvious that it did not come close. In the fall, I'd started chatting with a couple of other autistic people who had experiences I could relate to, but I didn't think I was actually autistic at that point. The thought crossed my mind but I didn't take it seriously.
Around November, one of my nieces came up two or three times with her children - one of whom is extremely loud, and I started having shutdowns from the overload. At around this time, pensieve described shutdowns on an ADHD forum, and I ended up talking to her about what was going on with me at the time, and my thoughts that I might be AS.
My niece moved in at the start of December, which meant her son was making a lot of noise every single day, and I started to have multiple shutdowns every week, and got to the point of every day, and then multiple shutdowns per day before things eased up, and she eventually moved out.
Since then, I have been diagnosed with AS and my therapist has complained to me that it is hard for her to read me. As far as it goes, I've gone from mostly oblivious to my differences to having them be obvious every day. Knowing that I am autistic makes so much in my life make sense - my failed attempts at college and work, my inability to maintain relationships (and my lack of concern over said inability), my inability to manage typical activities of daily living without a lot of routine to maintain them, and so on.
Functionally speaking, I find it difficult to cook, clean, do laundry, organize. Without schedules and alarms I tend to forget to eat. I don't drive at all and have always either relied on public transportation (I memorized a significant number of Tri-Met's routes and schedules) and other people to get around. "Activities of daily living" largely escape me.
I've always found stores overloading and difficult - if I was in a store to buy clothing or shoes there would be a good chance I'd just walk out without buying anything and on the verge of a meltdown.
I spend the majority of my time alone, with my interests and have my entire life. Even my most social time (in the 90s) meant I still spent days at a time not talking to people.
I see some people diagnosed with AS say that they hated being diagnosed and treated as disabled by their parents and wish they had been treated as "normal children" so, as they theorize, they could have been forced to adapt and mature and actually be functional adults. I can't identify with this. I was not diagnosed as a child and had no idea anything was unusual about me, as I was mostly in my own world. Everyone - parents, teachers, counselors, etc. - treated me as if I were normal and stacked normal expectations on me, and all it did was leave me without the tools to cope because no one realized I lacked anything. Some critical piece that apparently neurotypicals have that serves as a foundation for learning and adapting is missing with me, and so I basically don't know how to live as an adult. I have to deal with each thing separately, and even if I set up workable routines in one place, once I move it's all gone again.
I have the upbringing these other people wish they had and I am unable to support myself or live independently. I spent years actually harming myself trying to live up to the expectations placed on adults and burning myself out as a consequence.
A lot of that sounds negative, and I will say I don't really view my life negatively. I have in the past, and was fairly depressed because I could not function and did not know why. Now that I know why and everything makes sense, my depression is much easier to manage. I have more options than to simply try and fail to get work for years at a time, as I have been doing previously.
I thought ADHD explained everything, but it became increasingly obvious that it did not come close. In the fall, I'd started chatting with a couple of other autistic people who had experiences I could relate to, but I didn't think I was actually autistic at that point. The thought crossed my mind but I didn't take it seriously.
Around November, one of my nieces came up two or three times with her children - one of whom is extremely loud, and I started having shutdowns from the overload. At around this time, pensieve described shutdowns on an ADHD forum, and I ended up talking to her about what was going on with me at the time, and my thoughts that I might be AS.
My niece moved in at the start of December, which meant her son was making a lot of noise every single day, and I started to have multiple shutdowns every week, and got to the point of every day, and then multiple shutdowns per day before things eased up, and she eventually moved out.
Since then, I have been diagnosed with AS and my therapist has complained to me that it is hard for her to read me. As far as it goes, I've gone from mostly oblivious to my differences to having them be obvious every day. Knowing that I am autistic makes so much in my life make sense - my failed attempts at college and work, my inability to maintain relationships (and my lack of concern over said inability), my inability to manage typical activities of daily living without a lot of routine to maintain them, and so on.
Functionally speaking, I find it difficult to cook, clean, do laundry, organize. Without schedules and alarms I tend to forget to eat. I don't drive at all and have always either relied on public transportation (I memorized a significant number of Tri-Met's routes and schedules) and other people to get around. "Activities of daily living" largely escape me.
I've always found stores overloading and difficult - if I was in a store to buy clothing or shoes there would be a good chance I'd just walk out without buying anything and on the verge of a meltdown.
I spend the majority of my time alone, with my interests and have my entire life. Even my most social time (in the 90s) meant I still spent days at a time not talking to people.
I see some people diagnosed with AS say that they hated being diagnosed and treated as disabled by their parents and wish they had been treated as "normal children" so, as they theorize, they could have been forced to adapt and mature and actually be functional adults. I can't identify with this. I was not diagnosed as a child and had no idea anything was unusual about me, as I was mostly in my own world. Everyone - parents, teachers, counselors, etc. - treated me as if I were normal and stacked normal expectations on me, and all it did was leave me without the tools to cope because no one realized I lacked anything. Some critical piece that apparently neurotypicals have that serves as a foundation for learning and adapting is missing with me, and so I basically don't know how to live as an adult. I have to deal with each thing separately, and even if I set up workable routines in one place, once I move it's all gone again.
I have the upbringing these other people wish they had and I am unable to support myself or live independently. I spent years actually harming myself trying to live up to the expectations placed on adults and burning myself out as a consequence.
A lot of that sounds negative, and I will say I don't really view my life negatively. I have in the past, and was fairly depressed because I could not function and did not know why. Now that I know why and everything makes sense, my depression is much easier to manage. I have more options than to simply try and fail to get work for years at a time, as I have been doing previously.